Justice and Home Affairs: Fishy tails

We have a new address. In future could you please forward all correspondence to:

K and G VC-G
The Home Office
Department for Policing; Prosecuting; Defending; Judging; and Enforcement of infantile behaviour Leuven etc. etc.
Telephone and email address stay the same.

And boy oh boy is there a lot of outlandish infantile behaviour going on in this house. Not surprising I know. I know we have four children all under the age of eight but jeez does their squabbling, refusal to acknowledge a question, fighting for resources (we can't even say "scarce resources" since the house is groaning under the weight of their toys) and general bolshiness, drive us crazy. Believe you me there's a lot of policing going on in this house:

"OK own up who broke the fish? J. I saw you playing with them yesterday and I expressly told you it was not allowed."

G and I are very fond of those sardines. Not live ones. Not tinned ones even but some rather tasteful ceramic ones that I bought for G as a present in France. They look great on the sideboard in the dinning room where they lie on a wicker plate as though left there by some Portuguese fisherman off the Algarve. They have been pushed back as far out of reach of sticky hands as possible. Lips all wobbly, eyes indignant

"It wasn't me Mummy honestly. It wasn't"
"Well, did you see anyone playing with them?"
"No, honestly."
"If none of you can own up to it then none of you will get your pocket money for the next three weeks".
L howls: "It was J. Mummy it was J. I saw him playing with the fish and then he dropped it and then the tail fail off and then the fin. Can I please get my pocket money this week. Sob, sob."

She hasn't been getting any pocket money - on the grounds that she is still too young. So far this lack of personal spending power has gone unnoticed by L. But in the context of a broken fish it seems to concern her greatly. She must be right about J though. She's not making the story up. It was the tail and fin that broke off and only the tail and fin - so she must have seen it happen. I applaud myself on my policing skills and look all disappointed at J.

The following day they get a long lecture about how it is sooo much better to own up to a misdeed rather than trying to blatantly lie about it. I tell them the story about when I stuck chewing gum under a plate in my first week at boarding school (age 10) and how it broke the school's dishwasher for a whole week. I owned up and was rewarded with a long talk about how honest I was and how commendable it was of me to own up to my mistake. This incident has stuck. Thought it was a nice little tale for my children, who gratifyingly, were quite impressed and I had to repeat the story at least three times.

On the matter of judgment. Take this as a typical example.

"Mummy, Mummy J/K/L hit, took my cereal box toy, pushed, threatened, karate kicked, teased, yelled, shouted kaka, stole from..... me."

"Yes, but J/K/L hit, took my cereal box toy, pushed, threatened, karate kicked, teased, yelled, shouted kaka, stole from....me first."

Needless to say as Chief Police of policing, judge, juror and enforcer of family discipline, I have been busy neglecting my duties and doing something vitally important but mundane such as - clearing away the breakfast dishes before our resident mouse gets at the crumbs and before I tread in spilt sticky porrige.

"Is this true J/K/L I ask." not knowing who is to blame. Indeed, if anyone is really too blame. Or, do I really care.
"Yes"
"NOOO"
"Can't you all behave a little nicer to each other please"
I beg knowing that this cuts little ice with them.
"Play nicely together children."

Fat chance as long as one of them is clinging onto that trashy plasticy toy thing that came for free in the cereal box this morning. J is very muscular and the strongest. K is sneaky and teases insidiously and silently. L, although only four, has a remarkably good poker face. She's no ones push over. I look at their faces - six eyes stare at me expressing total innocence of any wrong doing. They look expectantly and await judgement.

"Alright J, let K have a look at the toy."
"That's NOT FAIR!!! Its my turn to have the toy. You said, you said..."
K looks triumphant, snatches the toy out of J's hand and runs off. Jakob chases her yelling full volume.
"Give it back its not fair".

He catches up with her pretty quickly, trips her up over the corridor floor and grabs it out of her hands. She yells. I wish I had more authority and get tired of this endless behaviour. Wish I could just open the front door, slam it shut and leave the cacophony behind. Wouldn't it be wonderful to just walk away from all this and let them sort it out themselves. They are so well, childish. Can't they grow up and get over these petty squabbles.

"Life isn't fair J/K/L" I keep telling them.
"Do you know what unfair is. Its unfair that children your age sleep alone on the streets of Kinshasa without anyone to look over them. That some people go hungry in this world and don't worry whether there is a freebie in the cereal box - just whether there is cereal in the house to make food with. For those people life probably is "unfair". But you - you guys have everything and more. How can life be unfair on you. Any why are you always so angry and aggressive with each other? Do you hear Mummy and Daddy talking like that to one another? Do Mummy and Daddy fight every morning for the last drop of milk. We share everything we have. And we are happy - so why can't you be. Just walk away from K if she teases you. K you keep out of J's way. L leave R to play with those cars and stop pinching him I can see you doing it..."

But, this is all adult speak and it washes over them. Perhaps when they are older some of these conversations will come back as a reminder.

By the way it was L who broke the fish. She later owned up to it. But, whether this was because
of my story about getting full credit for owning up to wrong-doing or because she was under duress to say so from her older siblings and was forced to confess or because she did it - I simply do not know. I never thought that parenting would involve so much police/judicial work, for which I am totally under-financed, over-worked and overwhelmed.